On not beating myself up…

It was my crafty bloggy friends who introduced me to Michelle Bridges and her ’12WBT’, a few of them had done it, a few were doing it again and a few were doing it for the first time. So, I thought I’d jump right on it with them. Of course, I am the one with the ‘long haul’ weight loss journey. I can’t imagine having five kilos to lose (totally different ball game, not saying it’s easy, but definitely different ball game). Did I say the endocrinologist told me I need to lose 60kg…that’s alot isn’t it? Well..I have nearly halved that figure because I am down to 110.4kg. The 12 week challenge has been great at keeping me accountable, helping me to remember to chose exercise, providing recipes…and reminding me to take the emotion out of it. I think that latter point has been the key. I am so much kinder to myself. Rather than rushing to fill myself with negative self talk if I make ‘not the best food choice’, or don’t exercise…instead I ‘thoughtfully observe’ what’s going on for me, rather than judge. It’s SO NICE! So I overate at a party at the weekend- why might I have done that, what could I have done differently…and then, forget about it and move on. How refreshing. That, combined with eating a regular breakfast and upping the exercise have been my most significant changes I think.

Annoyingly, it is a rather internet based program in terms of interacting with others and listening to Michelle’s weekly messages and it’s coincided with our stupid internet service being down…but maybe that’s just freed up my time. Who knows.

I am abit disappointed I don’t have more energy- I have lost (nearly) 26kg- that’s alot- shouldn’t I be bounding around like a new puppy. Not yet apparently. I have also had the scary thought that maybe some of my chronic health problems are not weight related- maybe fatigue and pain will continue to plague me even as I lose weight. I had not even considered that as a possibility before, I am prepared to keep going and wait and see.

Waiting

One dodgy side effect of me being overweight is the ridiculous amount of time I have spent in Dr’s waiting rooms over the years. I have accepted the Dr’s appointments as normal, maybe even sometimes felt a tiny bit ‘special’ (in an unhealthy, needy way) to need/ receive so much ‘attention’. As I sit and wait during, yet another 2 hour glucose tolerance test I am seriously questioning this acceptance. It’s school holidays, I could be at home playing with my children.It’s confronting to realise that my choices, habits, behaviours got me here. It’s embarassing to accept responsibility. To blame would be so much more convenient. But, as I realise, to take responsibility and ownership of my health problems also puts me in an interesting and empowering position. If I have contributed to my health and weight problems, that means my actions have had an effect, which, in turn, means that if I change said actions, behaviours, habits…that too can have an effect. Positive change. I will take that ‘power’s and run with it, thanks!

Movement…in the downward direction

I have never wanted this ‘getting more healthy’ business to be all about the scales. I have shunned scales in the past because I didn’t want to get obsessed. I woke up to the sound of my mum getting on and off the scales every morning as a child… didn’t really do her much good- she would go off and on fad diets etc.

When I saw the endocrinologist in May, she suggested that I weigh myself weekly. I really respect her and was prepared to think about her suggestion. She quoted some research that suggested weighing weekly helps is a useful tool for people trying to lose weight. It’s interesting that I have been opposed to scales, because whenever I went to the Doctors and they weighed me, I would often get a massive surprise at how much heavier I was- if I had reliable scales at home, I would have potentially been able to monitor myself better (and not got such a rude shock!).

So, I have purchased reliable digital scales and am now weighing myself weekly. I think it will be a good accountability tool. Also, as a size change reflection, I am going to measure myself every four weeks. I am doing Michelle Bridges 12wbt (google it, if you want to know more about it- but basically it’s a 12 week online fitness/ nutrition plan) and this (weighing, measuring) is part of the program.

I had the standing on the doctors scales experience this week. I last saw the endo on May 12th, 16 weeks ago, when I got on her scales I was 14 kilos lighter. It was a happy ‘scales at the doctor’ story. It was great for me that these were her scales and she had written down my initial weight- it was all very objective. I keep thinking, now that I am consistently losing weight, getting fitter, gaining health- ‘is this a trick, am I going to wake up one day and find out that the small changes I am making aren’t really having such an effect’…but, slowly, slowly as time goes on, I stop that thought, remind myself that I can do this, I am worth putting the effort in and it’s going to be worth it.

Rediscovering

Oh hi blog! I had a little problem with wordpress…and stupid as this may sound, I kind of lost this blog, couldn’t actually remember how to sign in and all that. I knew it was in cyber space somewhere, but was a bit lost to me. Anyway, and this is strange, I reckon, today I was writing a comment on someone’s blog I typed me name in, and this blog name appeared as a default…how timely.

Last time I was here I was 136kg, well after weighing myself yesterday I am now 123.8kg, so I am glad I can report back something positive.

Once I get the hang of WordPress again, I hope I will be back here to report in every now and then.

The doctor and the dietitian

About every two or three years I seem to get fed up with my status quo and start hunting for the answer (external to me, of course!!!). This time to a dietitian. I heard him speak about 10 years ago on fibromyalgia and chronic pain and nutrition. I googled him, as you can do now!, emailed him my list of complaints- to see if he ran a mile- and he emailed me back. Most of his clients are complex cases! Yes. A complex case. That’s me! You see, I have been medically diagnosed with lots of things- fibromyalgia, PCOS, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, Chronic Fatigue syndrome, depression, insulin resistance,  ADHD, of the top of my head.  I had a car accident when I was 22 and as my mother says ‘things have never been right since’! I have always known somehow that there is a connection to these things- something is not right in my body’s functioning. There are a lot of people out there willing to take your money and give you there solution- genuine and dodgy! What a maze.

Off I went to the GP’s to get a referral for the dietitian- I had to hop on the scales and was pretty shocked to find I weighed 136 kg. How can I have so little insight into my growing size? I am not known for my visual- spacial skills so I spose size self perception could fit into that. The dietitian was really useful. He drew diagrams to show how he thinks all this body dysfunction is related and what systems need to be supported for me to feel better (yes, it may be possible). The upshot is- low wheat, low sugar, low gi eating with regular good quality protein. Tick of confirmation, I have heard that before, he’s not reinventing the wheel and it’s certainly do-able. Then I have got some supplements- one course of probiotics to get the good gut flora going, some amino acid formulation for brain function- concentration, focus. There was no blame (here comes another fat chick with no self-discipline), there was hope, kindness and understanding.

If only all health professionals were all like that.

A slow jog

I have got myself one of these:

Mine is quite pink. I have had it for a few weeks and been playing around but mostly with the timer (timing how long I walk for) but tonight (drumroll please)- I used it (surprise, surprise) as an interval trainer. 2 minutes walking, 30 seconds fast walk/ slow jog. It was great. Now I have those post exercise happy hormones!

The compression bandage!

No photo on this post because I am talking about sports bras.

Funny thing is, it can be really hard to find a good sports bra for ‘the fuller figure’- which is unfortunate because, let’s face it, those big boobs need it the most.

So, I ordered my enell sports bra and it arrived today. I haven’t taken it off since. I have done star jumps and even a bit (very small bit) of jogging. It truly is like a compression bandage- in a good way. Now that my boobs aren’t bouncing around I have realised how much my tummy wobbles…oh dear.

Big walk tonight, the neighbour and I have been walking together and chatting, which is helpful in motivating me.

So, still, slow and steady…going along

Slow and steady!

Slow and steady? What, me? My progress? My computer? My photo uploads. All of the above, I think.

After what will be nearly 3 weeks off work I am back to work tomorrow. This has left me pondering how I find is much easier to eat good food while at home, rather than at work. I think it is for several reasons- access; I live on a farm and the nearest ‘convenience store’ is about 18 km away! Stress levels; I feel safe with my family and don’t tend to resort to ‘comfort eating’ as a result of relationship uncertainty like I tend to do at work, on occasion, mostly due to self doubt. Being an example- it’s school holidays here at the moment so I am hardly going to hack through a big block of chocolate and leave myself open to the ‘what have you been eating mum, you smell like chocolate’ routine which is embarassing and humiliating and has happened before.

So, on the eve of going back to work I steel myself to maintain control. No, I don’t need to stop at the large takeaway franchise that has just opened to ‘see what it’s like’ (yes, they are all the same!). I drive straight past it. I have already planted the scenario in my head- drivethrough, then drivethrough car wash, then car vacuum and get rid of the evidence.

The good thing about this blog- I have fessed up so there is no way I will do that now!

Not forgotten

That’s slightly unfortunate isn’t it, three posts in and I go missing in action. I have got to the point where I notice I am thirsty if I don’t drink. That’s good, that hasn’t really happened before. I know you are meant to drink before you are thirsty, but still, more water is being consumed.

A little of this have been happening.

I was enjoying a bit of cooler weather but that didn’t last, I function less well in the heat, everything seems harder.

So do you get the sense things are slower? Routine- what is that? Has been out of whack, Christmas events have commenced and we have things on every weekend now till Christmas.

Hmm, will try to have a bit more to report back next time!

I did go to the doctor today and weighed in at 133kg. I am 169cm tall, so as you can see, that’s not ideal. Hence, the one day one action blog. Where some peoples weight seems to fluctuate by a few kilos mine seems to be about 125kg + or minus 10kg. This is the heaviest I have ever been- 2 1/2 years till I am forty. I want to be ‘minus 40 (kg) by the time I am + 40 (years old). I know it’s not about weight, it’s about health, but weight does give me an indication of how I am going, whilst I don’t focus on scales (get weighed at the doctor every few months- that’s post weight watchers when I was getting weighed every week).

One day soon I will post my measurments now I have ‘outed’ my weight!

Remembering breakfast

Interesting observation number one:

Usually when I wake up I have a bit of a ‘dint’ – wrinkle thingo in my forehead. Well, yesterday and today it has been much less ‘dinted’- I think it is an indication of my dehydration level and I have been quite prune like and now I am getting more plumish!

Less interesting observation number one:

The last two nights I have had to get up to go to the toilet. Yep, I can hear you all…’thanks for sharing’

So my daily action for last two days has been

Yep, sitting down to breaky. On my work days I often go without breaky preferring to have a milky coffee at work and being peckish all morning, and so not making to wisest food choices. On my home days too often I just have toast. I had porridge with agave nectar (to satisfy the sweet tooth with a lower gi) and milk. I need some more protein in there probably, but it’s a wholesome start.

In the mean time, I continue to drink water. I took the advice of Tan and squeezed lemon in my early morning drink and today my ‘big jug’ has a combination of lemon slices, spearmint leaves and ginger. Quite cleansing on a muggy day I am finding. Here’s cheers!